Tickets To Heaven

(Enter Mr. Works—a salesman in a flashy suit.)

Come one, come all—both big and small

Wait until you hear about this—an offer you don’t want to miss

But you need to act fast—and get it while it lasts

It’s genuine, it’s sanctified—it’s bona-fide and that’s no lie

It’s a hundred percent guaranteed—to be exactly what you need

It don’t matter who you are—where you’re from, near or far

Skinny, fat, brunette, blonde—from a big or little pond.

No matter what’s messing up your day—this will chase your blues away

Does your liver quiver?—Does your heart smart?

Are you feeling run down? —Life’s giving you the run around?

Are you washed out, freaked out—flipped out, pooped out?

You may have problems galore—but I have what you’re looking for

This is it, your lucky seven—I am selling tickets to heaven

Don’t be shy, step up, be bold—or you might miss those streets of gold

What does it take to buy cloud nine—just what is the bottom line?

I won’t lie. There is a price—to get all the way up to paradise

Now don’t you fret, all isn’t lost—we’ve worked hard to lower the cost

But I must tell you before I’m done—this offer is not for everyone

If you want to classify—your goodness rating must be high

And if your record ain’t so great—you’ll have to pay an increased rate

But lying scoundrels, thieving skunks—shameless whores and stinking drunks

Real bad girls and bad guys, too—these tickets are absolutely not for you

(Enter Mr. Grace, waving a big handful of tickets.)

Mr. Grace:    (shouting) Free tickets to Heaven. I’ve got free tickets to Heaven!

Mr. Works:   Hold on! What did you say?

Mr. Grace:    I said (shouting) Free tickets to Heaven. I’ve got free tickets to Heaven!

Mr. Works:   That’s crazy. You can’t just give away tickets to Heaven. Why, what if some dirty, rotten sinner gets one?

Mr. Grace:    But these tickets are for the lost, the ones Jesus preached to.

Mr. Works:   Are you insinuating that Jesus associated with sinners?

Mr. Grace:    Of course. Jesus died to save sinners.

Mr. Works:   (gasps) How dare you say that. Besides, you’re ruining my business.

You better stop or I’ll have to use force.

Mr. Grace:    But I can’t stop telling everyone about the good news.

Mr. Works:   You asked for it. (grabs Mr. Grace and threatens with clinched fist)

                  Aren’t you going to fight back?

Mr. Grace:    Nope.

Mr. Works:   Don’t you understand? I’m going to punch your lights out.

Mr. Grace:    Go ahead. I’ve already got my free ticket.

Mr. Works:   You mean you really believe the tickets are free?

Mr. Grace:    Absolutely.

Mr. Works:   And you don’t have to pay for these tickets?

Mr. Grace:    Jesus already paid for them.

Mr. Works:   And they are for everyone?

Mr. Grace:    Yep. You just have to have the faith to take one.

Mr. Works:   Even me? To be honest, I can be a rascal.

Mr. Grace:    Even you.

Mr. Works:   (takes a ticket) Wow! This is amazing. This is good news. Thank you.

Mr. Grace:    Don’t thank me. Jesus did all the work.

Mr. Works:   Could you use any help passing out these tickets?

Mr. Grace:    That would be a great way to say “Thank You Jesus.”

(Both exit, shouting, “Free tickets to Heaven!”