RULES CATS LIVE BY

BATHROOMS: Always accompany humans to the bathroom. It is not  necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. And don’t forget guests.

DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open,  stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, you do not need to use it. But after you have ordered an "outside" door  opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito  season. (Note: Any open door is an invitation to explore a new area. If you are shooed away, make it your goal to rush in at the next opportunity.)

CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure  you back up so it is as long as a human’s bare foot. 

OVERSEEING: Life would be better for the humans if they would follow our example. However, they are usually busy with very mysterious and probably unnecessary tasks. Because of this they are often distracted from their main purpose in life—to adore us. Therefore we must redirect their attention for their own good. This is called overseeing.

1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

2. For book readers, it is always best to lie across the book itself. An alternative move is to get in close under the chin, between eyes and book and present your butt to the human’s face. They love this, so do it often. And again, don't forget guests.

3. For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen. When marking your territory, chewing pencils and book corners send the message clearly.

4. For people paying bills or working on income taxes, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to  the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

5. When a human is holding a newspaper or magazine, be sure to swat at the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.

6. When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse cursor on screen and then lay in human's lap across arms.

7. When your human is cleaning out the litter box it is helpful to jump in and supervise. When all is clean and tidy, anoint it, preferably with a poop. When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, or when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move  around.

NAPPING: Shun any beds that your human supplies. Instead, sleep on anything you find on the floor or any clean clothes that have been laid on a surface to be put away. Open drawers are fair game. Any article of clothing left on a chair or the floor is assumed to be there for your pleasure.

HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you.Do not come out for three to four hours under any  circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love), thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a  treat.

         HUMAN LANGUAGE INTERPRETATIONS:

1. “No” means “Yes.”

2. A loud “No” means “Try again later.”

3. A loud “No” with a smack on rump means “Try when human is absent.”

4. “Come” means “Sit and stare.” (Do not ever come when your human calls. It’s a precedent you do not want to establish.)

5. “Get Down!” is an exclamation we have never been able to interpret.

         HUNTING FOR FOOD:

When hunting for food, observe the humans closely. Be watchful. All of their strange activities might be connected to a food source.

1. human with can = possibility of food

2. human with bowl = possibility of food

3. human in kitchen = possibility of food

4. human sitting with human meal = possibility of food

5. human opening closet or cabinet = might be food in there

6. in between snacks: socks are delicious, so are shoes, but houseplants are the best

         THE TUMMY TRAP:

Make sure to lounge on your back so humans will see your tummy and want to rub it. When they fall into your trap, you can attack.

         SMALL SPACES:

If a box, drawer or suitcase is open, mark it as you territory immediately.

         FINAL NOTE:

When put into a cage for a visit to the vet (AKA SATAN), make your protest cries sound as mournful as possible. It won’t prevent the trip, but it will afflict your human with guilt. This leads to special attention and treats when you are back home.

Part Two: A Life With Cats

You may wonder about my sources for the above cat regulations. It seems that cats aren’t good at keeping secrets. They leaked some crucial information to my sister, Linda, and she passed it on to me. We always had a few cats when I was growing up. For some reason my mother loved Siamese cats, so that’s what we got. My sister’s cat—a female named Frisco—was her loyal protector. One day my mother went to give my sister a whack on the butt. Frisco actually hissed at my mother and scratched her hand. Needless to say, I didn’t bug my sister when that cat was around. My cat was a male Siamese named Icabod. Icabod used to sleep on my head at night. That was okay because Icabod was very patient with me as I carted him around inside and out.My father—not a cat person—got really upset when he found out Icabod had chewed holes in some of his dress socks. After that he kept all of his drawers shut tightly.

One April Fools Day my mother had the brilliant idea to put some cat food onto a circle of aluminum foil, sculpt it into the shape of a cat turd and strategically place it on our new living room carpet. When my father came home she said, “Let me show you what the cat did.” My father was in the middle of a very impressive string of profanity when the trick was revealed. We thought it was hilarious. My father…not so much. (My mother had guts.)

I used to piss off my sister by taking fleas off of my cat and putting them on  her cat. It never ended very well for me. Frisco died one day after she jumped up on a shakey ironing board. It fell on top of her and broke her neck. That was a sad day for my sister. Icabod mysteriously disappeared one day. I was inconsolable. A few weeks later my mother came home with another male Siamese kitten. We named it Icabod II. He was okay, but couldn’t take the place of the original.

My wife and I were adopted by a neighbor’s cat. It was an enormous male Maine Coon cat named Simon. The neighbor got a new dog and Simon made the break and scouted us out as his new “pets.” He just showed up on our doorstep one day, meowing, rubbing our legs and pulling out all the usual feline tricks. We didn’t let Simon into the house, but made the mistake of giving him a snack. It was all over then. That night it meowed at our door for hours. When we wouldn’t give in, Simon started climbing up our window screens. We openned up the curtains and there was this huge cat hanging there, seemingly in mid-air. We caved.

Simon was exceptionally comfortable around humans. He would walk up to anyone to be rubbed. I took him to my elementary classroom one day and he walked around the school without a care in the world. Simon was the top cat of the neighborhood and fiercely defended his territory from all animal intruders. I came home from work one day and found Simon waiting at the door to be let in. When I openned the door I was surprised to see a large dog in the entry way. It seems my wife had a visitor who brought along her pet to visit. I expected Simon to turn and run, but he did the opposite and went on the attack. The dog was totally freaked out and hid behind its owner when this hissing, growling, puffed up cat ordered him out.

         Simon loved to play chase. I would run around the house with him on my heels. If I made it out of his sight, I would try to hide. Then I would jump out and Simon would run away. That was the signal for me to chase him. Simon was an avid hunter and often shared his kills with us. We would wake up to find things like birds, lizards and even rabbits carefully laid out on our front steps. When Simon got older, he tried to maintain his ruler of the neighborhood status. That meant lots of cat fights. As a result he contracted feline leukemia. After many trips to the vet, Simon finally succumbed to the illness. He was suffering so much that we had to have him put down. After that sad day I swore I would never have another cat—it hurt so much. This resolve lasted for several months until I went for a walk and was followed home by and abandoned kitten.

Part Three: Catman 

During my life with cats I have picked up some of their characteristics.

I am the cat man creature

I always land on me feets

So graceful even when I slips

Picky-choosy about all I eats

I prefer sleeping on warm beds

But I can make do with the floor

I find a spot and shut me eyes

Cat-napping I adore

I am the cat man cautious

Taking things in stride

If whiskers feeling bothered

I runs away and hide

I can be playful and frisky

Forgive me the small scratch or bite

It's only affection I shows you

While scampering in the night

Me masters all well treats me

As equals ought to, see?

We fellow cool cats nose touch

And respectfully agree

I am the cat man creature

You only sees a part

I am the cat man creature

Me paw scratch-touches your heart