A Series of Diabolical Zoom Meetings

Keynote Address

Beelzebub speaks

         Welcome malevolent spirits to this special Summit Meeting as mandated by our master, the Prince of the Power of the Air, who determined the expediency of our gathering due to the pandemics spreading amongst the human vermin. You will note that I said PANDEMICS because we rejoice not only in the coronavirus unleashed upon mankind, but also in the perversions of truth we have successfully disseminated at the same time. While one plague is natural—and although we would love to take credit—the other is engineered by our propaganda ministry, both pestilences serve us well.

Participant voices

All hail the pandemics! May they devour and destroy!

Beelzebub speaks

I will be your Zoom Host for these sessions. And speaking of hosts, I am pleased to see so many of you were able to manipulate your human hosts so you could attend this meeting virtually. I wonder what possessed them?

(laughter from participants)

         Perhaps the poor flesh bags you inhabit think they are sound asleep having strange dreams while you control their bodies at their computers.

Participant Bel speaks

Our human is possessed by more than one spirit, so we are tag-teaming.

Our host imagines he is watching porn while we attend these sessions.

Beelzebub speaks

Excellent! We are most fortunate to have as our keynote speaker one of the ancient warriors in our struggle against the Enemy and the vermin He created to populate and pollute the Earth—none other than Azazel. Believe me, we had a devil of a time pulling him away from his busy schedule.

(snickering from participants)

Azazel speaks

         Thank you, Bub, for that introduction. We’ve known each other almost forever and I’m not exaggerating when I say we have some wickedly delicious stories we could tell from back in the day.

Beelzebub speaks

         That’s right, Zel. We really raised hell back when the humans first opened up their minds to us and we began our symbiotic relationship. So take heed, fellow spirits, to the words of Azazel.

Azazel speaks

         My brothers and comrades, we are experiencing a wonderfully cursed time in which the vermin are becoming even more acquiescent. I have heard good reports from many of our hoard about the victories over our charges—or shall we say…our patients. However, do not forget that our Enemy is most determined to destroy our kingdom, even as we have united our forces to rob Him of His Glory. Although we have made great strides in this endeavor, I am aware that some of you are bitter about recent defeats and even retreats. What did you expect? That the fight would be easy? Use your bitterness as fuel. Use your hatred of the Creator and his dust creatures to spur you on to new schemes. We are, of course, aware of our Enemy’s power; but as spiritual terrorists we continue the struggle as our Prince commands.

Our job is to distract mankind from thoughts that would bring about the overthrow of our dominion. What we battle against is the hateful reality that the Creator, our declared Enemy, has placed within the dust creatures an instinctive knowledge of His existence. To make matters worse, He has also given them a conscience. From the beginning this has been a great detriment to our struggle. Even so, with our constant ministrations, most of mankind has become content with their meager, frail earthly lives. Isn’t that our goal—to get their minds focused on the material world? And, as it turns out, anything in the world will do as long as it turns their eyes from the Creator. This tactic worked so well from the start when our Prince simply used a piece of fruit and a beautiful lie. This ploy continues to be our main device. Foolish Humans! They even imagine their lives will end in their earthly deaths—a fantasy that we steadfastly promote.

We have much to be proud of in our recent endeavors. After much hard work, we have persuaded the earthlings to doubt the reality of sin by hiding it behind a façade of sophistication and refinement. In the past century we have promoted the vermin’s confidence that their science is a solution to evil. We must encourage them to think all their problems and sufferings can be analyzed and corrected. While we are at it, we must discourage them from even using the word “evil” (which hints at moral absolutes). Instead of moralistic terminology, we substitute medical terms such as “dysfunction” and “pathology.” The earthling vermin may balk at this in the face of war, cruelty, violence, greed, strife, racism, crime and poverty, but with work we can convince them that what their ancestors called evil is really just a matter of faulty psychological and sociological elements. It is clear to us, since we know the whole story, that these factors are not the cause of the innate self-centeredness, self-absorption and self-delusion existing in the heart of all the earthling vermin; but psychology, sociology and education all make useful scapegoats. Furthermore, we can use them to shape and even enhance the suffering of mankind.

Make sure that the foolish dust creatures never learn from their own history. It is delicious that they do not recognize that the Nazi death camps arose from a very educated and cultured German nation. Or that the Marxist proletariat turned out to be every bit as oppressive and violent as the capitalists were. Above all, keep them from contact with our Enemy’s book with its exposition of the depth and pervasiveness of evil. We know that evil came from our two races—earthlings and angels—exercising our free wills. We embrace and celebrate our rebellious choices and we want the earthlings to join us…forever.

We are amused when the flesh bags proclaim they believe in God but not in a Devil. Do not let them dwell on the inconsistency in accepting a good supernatural being while scrapping the idea of supernatural evil. We want to keep the earthlings ignorant of our strategies. They cannot resist our portfolio of devices if they disbelieve our existence. However, if certain earthlings do believe in the demonic, let them overestimate our strength. If they have a problem with anger, lust or depression, let them think, “It’s the Devil.” This will frustrate their attempts to improve their lot in life. “Everything is the Devil” is just as useful to our cause as “Nothing is the Devil.” We are delighted that humans usually exaggerate our demonic power. We fervently wish we did have the power humans imagine we have in their fiction: to rotate our hosts’ heads or chase priests with wild dogs. This is fantasy, of course; but we can always use such distorted pictures to our advantage. We are quite content when no one takes us seriously.

But are we without power? Not at all. How powerful are our lies! We are the masters of propaganda as we whisper falsehoods to the earthlings and keep them from the knowledge of their true state. We can make a good person stumble and a bad person worse. Our job is to aggravate what already exists in the heart of each flesh bag. How do we accomplish this? Through lies! Stimulate dark thoughts in their hearts with temptation and accusation. Both of these forms of attack hide truths. Temptation works by hiding our Enemy’s desire for the humans’ sanctification. And when the earthlings do sin, attack them with accusations. Nurture in them a self-hatred that will hide our Enemy’s love. Yes, temptations and accusations are both tasty lies. Always show the bait and hide the hook. We will give them short-term pleasures followed by long-term misery.

Use the tool that has always worked well: their desire to rule over their lives. Now that is something we can all identify with. Push down the knowledge of God in their hearts with lies and let their consciences become calloused as they yield to our temptations. It is amusing that a human’s initial iniquities will make his conscience tender and sore. This is good, because after the scab forms there will be a hardening.

Fellow fallen ones, we hate the dust creatures almost as much as we despise their Creator. Remember, we are the noxious weeds in their gardens, the thorns and thistles, the venomous insects. Let us choke and infect with all our hateful vigor.

 (Participants cheer)

Beelzebub speaks

Thank you, Azazel for that rousing speech. And now as we draw to the close of our first session…

Participant Milcom speaks

A thousand pardons, most exalted Beelzebub and Azazel, but may I be permitted to inquire about one of my human projects?

Beelzebub speaks

You may proceed, Milcom. For your sake I hope your query justifies this interruption.

Milcom speaks

Most wonderfully accursed Beelzebub and Azazel, I bask in your foul lying spirits.

I am not worthy that you would condescend….

Beelzebub speaks

Milcom, you sniveling sycophant, get on with it. What is your issue?

Milcom whines

My influence over one of my subjects is dwindling. I thought his conversion to darkness was progressing nicely, but now his mind is filled questions about the meaning of life.

He wonders why he was born. I don’t know what to do.

Azazel speaks

What should you do? WHAT SHOULD YOU DO? Such incompetency in a demon must not be countenanced. Don’t you realize the danger of this line of thinking? How is it that you allowed the human to have any time for serious contemplation? It was your job to fill his mind with OUR thoughts, ARROGANT thoughts, LUSTFUL thoughts. If the flesh bag was distracted by the question of purpose, you should have immediately countered with great clouds of confusion.

Beelzebub speaks

Milcom, I will be sending a replacement to take over your duties. You will be demoted and sent to our re-education camp to be examined by our inquisitors.

Milcom squeaks

Mercy, Lord Beelzebub!

Beelzebub speaks

         Let all of you other demons take heed lest you likewise fall. Use all your resources to persuade the earthlings to abandon all thoughts of meaning or purpose. When that spiritual lifeblood is drained, your subjects will be more inclined to find immortality implausible and will be content to live like brute beasts. Always direct the vermin to set a higher value on the shadowy life in their bodies than in the eternal condition of their souls. That’s all we have time for now. Everyone return to your individual assignments. But be prompt to join us for our next session.